When I said that you are the best one I have known, I had my reasons. There are shades of me, just like you or any other person. There are the darker shades – lying beneath the surface, well guarded by my insecurities and the lessons this world has taught me – that you get to know over time; there are lighter shades as well, evident in my smile and the things that I usually talk about.
I am writing about this because you are not the only one who is getting to know me by this piece of writing, I am exploring myself as well.
Just like a seesaw, one side dominates the other and, by default, in our personality, the fat kid sits on the defensive side. That has been me- the defensive, introvert, and shy kid. You will likely disagree, I know, but then again, I am trying to be the reflection of what I see in you and how I see myself- a shining star. Now, when you get something as precious as this, you get worried if you are keeping it right (Paranoia? no!). I felt vulnerable because I have let my first guard down, and that was to believe, to believe that the path is right. And this is not a crazy-too-early crush, but an awesome-already realization. Everybody has their own guards, and I am no different. It is not a frequent occurrence for me when I let my guards down. It has taken me years to build the walls that surround me. I have tried hard to become a man that I believe in and it is the road less taken; maybe not, but for me, I had to suppress a lot of emotions, feelings, and let go of things that didn’t complement my beliefs and ambitions. Now the obvious question arises – why was I looking for you in the first place? Well, the answer is also obvious if you have understood what I have been saying since we started talking – I was looking for your kind of person to have our kind of conversations. Okay.
You are free to think that I am a psycho. You are free to make any assumptions and jump to conclusions. I am not writing this to defend my behavior that I have shown or am showing. Rather, I am writing this to understand where the source of such blatant behavior lies.
Now, about letting my guards down, there is just one thing that I want to say. It takes a lot of lessons to realize that the bubble you are living in is the safest place, but it takes just one great conversation, just one person to realize that it would be even better if we share that bubble with someone. No, I am not saying the things that you are maybe understanding. Again, this isn’t a ‘crazy-too-early’ crush. No, but it is the ‘awesome-already!” realization.
I was afraid that what more could I lose than what I can possibly, or already have, found in you.
The screw up was the feeling of vulnerability.
You are the best one I have known.